Местный юмор

[b-b]

Updated Employee Handbook 2003...

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need
a
raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore
you
do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the
work
is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40
and so
on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies,
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there
is now
a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an
alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

*Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and
input
should be directed elsewhere.


Have a nice week.
The Management

[b-b]

HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
>
> After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple
decided

> 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
> went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
> have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called vasectomy that
> could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
>
> A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a
> cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains),
> light it, put
it
> in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.
>
> The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
> world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to

> my ear is going to help me."
>
> "Trust me, " said the doctor.
>
> So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
> can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
>
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5" ..........
>
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed
> counting on his other hand.
>
>
> This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas,
> Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi.

[b-b]

Subject: 50 states mottos


Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...
10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes and 5000 fish
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right
To An Attorney ...
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan !!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese With Us
Come and Smell our Dairy Air
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!

[Babene]

Автор неизвестен. Комментарии не мои. Пардонте, если уже было.

*************
INSTRUCTIONS

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

[Babene]

Эх, жаль меня в том метро не было, чтоб послушать живьем!..

***************

>A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to
>their passengers...
>
>
>"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know
>you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married
>to
>my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound
and
go
>in the opposite direction".
>
>
>"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E
>&
>B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any
>further information as soon as I'm given any."
>
>
>"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
>last
>Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad
>news
>is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham,
>which means we probably won't reach our destination."
>
>
>"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security
>alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
>foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
>together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".
>
>
>"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street
is
>closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could
>tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
>
>
>"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
>professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a
>registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
>
>
>During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced
>in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
>gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
>
>
>"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff
>yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
>
>
>"Please allow the doors to close.Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold
>the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
>
>
>"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the
>door are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into
>the doors."
>
>
>"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in
the
>door"
>
>
>"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second
>carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
>
>
>"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
>belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message
to
the
>man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the
>pie
>down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before
>I
>come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
>
>
>"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on
>any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only
>fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

[b-b]

: Ebonics strike again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> > Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework
> > assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school
> > thing, Leroy is still a trooper. He was given
> > another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.
> > Here's what he handed in:
> >
> > 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her
> > friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL
> > everythang she know.
> >
> > 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop
> > the other day and man I was HONORROLL.
> >
> > 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some
> > seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.
> >
> > 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor
> > pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.
> >
> > 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes
> > said but OMELETTE it go dis time.
> >
> > 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you
> > STAIRWAY into space.
> >
> > 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on
> > cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.
> >
> > 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops,
> > but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.
> >
> > 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at
> > her.
> >
> > 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school
> > today so AFTERMATH, I' m out.
> >
> > 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
> >
> > 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday,
> > so I got her a DOMINEERING.
> >
> > 13. KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe
> > a stranger KENYA spare some change.
> >
> > 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da
> > antelope play.
> >
> > 15. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty
> > points. My coach say DATA boy.
> >
> > 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment
> > office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"
> >
> > 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not
> > DIMENSION smart.
> >
> > 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst,
> > you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."
> >
> > 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl
> > but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on
> > DECIDE.
> >
> > 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so
> > big she can only FASCINATE.

[b-b]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud):

1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift ...............Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[Alex_L]

Took me less than 5 minutes.

Fa Kin Su Pah !

[b-b]

If condoms had sponsors.

[b-b]

Reasons to Go to Work Naked

>1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
>
>2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
>
>3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
>
>4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
>
>5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
>
>6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
>
>7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
>
>8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
>
>9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
>
>10. No one steals your chair.

[b-b]

> >
> > Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is
> > just
>so priceless...and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it
>is...
> >
> > My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and
> > March
>for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late
>fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00; now
>was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
> >
> > Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
> >
> > CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
>still apply."
> >
> > Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
> >
> > CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
> >
> > Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
> >
> > CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
> > her
>to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
> >
> > Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
> >
> > CitiBank: "Excuse me?"
> >
> > Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her
> > being
>dead?"
> >
> > CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
> >
> > (Supervisor gets on the phone)
> >
> > Me: ''I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
> >
> > CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
>still apply."
> >
> > Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
> >
> > CitiBank: "...(stammer)"...."Are you her lawyer?"
> >
> > Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
> >
> > CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
> >
> > Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
> >
> > (After they get the fax)
> >
> > CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
> >
> > Me: "Oh..."
> >
> > CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
> >
> > Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
>billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care..."
> >
> > CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
> >
> > Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
> >
> > CitiBank: "That might help."
> >
> > Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given).
> >
> > CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
> >
> > Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"

[deizy]

to b-b


КЛАСС!!! Я вообще-то подозревала, что американцы не совсем умные люди, но чтобы на столько?!

[deizy]

to b-b


КЛАСС!!! Я вообще-то подозревала, что американцы не совсем умные люди, но чтобы на столько?!

[kron]

то б-б


КЛАСС!!! Я вообще-то подозревала, что американцы не совсем умные люди, но чтобы на столько?!

А ваши подозрения строились исключительно на похожих юмористических рассказах?

[b-b]

то б-б


КЛАСС!!! Я вообще-то подозревала, что американцы не совсем умные люди, но чтобы на столько?!

На самом деле это рассказ,основанный на реалиях. Мне приходится deal with credit card issues каждый день,так для меня совсем не новость,что,во-первых,очень многие американцы имеют credit cards,sовершенно не имея представления ,как они работают,а во-вторых,если у человека automatic payment on a credit card,то действительно бывает и такое,что человек уж год-два ,как помер,а компания все еще чаржит его kарту,а карта платит за ,так сказать,"услуги". И смех и грех.

[kron]

то б-б


КЛАСС!!! Я вообще-то подозревала, что американцы не совсем умные люди, но чтобы на столько?!

На самом деле это рассказ,основанный на реалиях. :ролл: :мргреен: Мне приходится деал витх цредит цард иссуес каждый день,так для меня совсем не новость,что,во-первых,очень многие американцы имеют цредит цардс,совершенно не имея представления ,как они работают,а во-вторых,если у человека аутоматиц паымент он а цредит цард,то действительно бывает и такое,что человек уж год-два ,как помер,а компания все еще чаржит его карту,а карта платит за ,так сказать,"услуги". 8О И смех и грех. :паин1: :мргреен:

Все банки знают что делать если клиент умер. У них в системе есть такая опция. Так что рассказ хоть и смешной - но вымышленный.

[deizy]

А ваши подозрения строились исключительно на похожих юмористических рассказах?[/quote]


Нет, вы знаете, не только, в реальной жизни то же подобного хватает, но вот такое впервый раз слышу.

[OBender]

Не, неправильно вы сказали, не "американцы не совсем умные" а народ набираемый в кастамер саппорт
У меня в пятницу состаялся разговор с национальным кастомер сервисом иммиграционной службы.
Вот тут точно и смех и грех. Туда помоему с IQ больше 60 небирут людей.

[Gennadiy]

Туда помоему с IQ больше 60 небирут людей.

Вот например ВЫ бы туда пошли работать? Тото же

[vize]

NSTRUCTIONS ...

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Warning on fireplace log:
Caution -- Risk of Fire.

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists:
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Warning on an electric router made for carpenters:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

On a bottle of shampoo for dogs:
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Warning on a cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.

A wheel 13" a wheelbarrow warns:
Not for highway use

On a can of self-defense pepper spray:
May irritate eyes.

Baby stroller warning:
Remove child before folding.

A fireplace lighter cautions:
Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.

A handheld massager warns consumers:
Don't use while sleeping or unconscious.

Cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboards warns:
Do not drive with sun shield in place

Bottle water label warns:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

On a box of rat poison:
Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Toilet bowl cleaning brush warns:
Do not use orally.

An electric cattle prods warns:
For use on animals only

Cheap rubber ball toy warning:
Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.

Caution on a package of dice:
Not for human consumption.

Stamped on the barrel of a .22 calibre rifle:
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack:
Remove plastic before eating.

A TV remote controller warns:
Not dishwasher safe

сорри если есть повторы.

[b-b]

.......

Love it!

[vize]

.......

Love it!

[vize]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
an d I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"

[VladG2]

There are four people sharing a compartment on a train - a beautiful young Italian woman, a rather elderly German lady, an American man, and a Canadian man.

They're making polite small talk when the train goes through a tunnel. All you can hear in the darkness is a huge "WHACK!" When they come out the other side, the American is rubbing the side of his face which is all red.

The American thinks "Damn, that Canadian fool must have grabbed that young Italian woman, and she slapped me thinking I'd done it."

The Italian woman thinks "Damn, that stupid American must have tried to feel me up, missed, groped that old German woman instead, and she must have slapped him for it."

The German lady thinks "Damn, that stupid American must have groped that young Italian woman in the darkness, and she must have slapped him for it."

The Canadian man thinks "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that American again!"