How to know you’re from Texas

[Zhek]

Может баян, но есть смешные моменты Особенно понравилось выделенное жирным

How to know you’re from Texas
You know that you’re from Texas if you know these things already:


- Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
- Roadrunners don’t say “Beep Beep”
- There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live inTexas.
- There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live inTexas, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
- Possums will eat anything.
- Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
- If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.
- Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
- There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their house.
- You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
- A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle, they do get stuck.
- The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until Oct 2.
- Onced and Twiced are good words.
- It is not a shopping cart it is a buggy.
- Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
- Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade. “
- Coldbeer” actually is one word.
- People really grow and eat okra.
- Green grass DOES burn.
- When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
- When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time to go to the doctor.
- “Fixinto” is one word.
- The word dinner is confusing. There’s only lunch and then there’s supper.
- Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
- “Je’eet”? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
- You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
- Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
- You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.
- You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Picante.
- You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
- You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.
- There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population over 1000.
- Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as “goin wal-martin” or off o “Wally World.”
- You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
- A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop .. it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
- You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends.

[Lite]

5+

[Andrei from Texas]

Класс!!!!

[LMT]

- When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night
VERY TRUE! even for Austin

[Carina]

I undestood the jokes and forwarded them to my friends...crap that means I've getting way too familiar with the lone star state after 5 years here. my friends in boston, where i lived before for 10 years, would turn u their noses at me now

[Niki]

I undestood the jokes and forwarded them to my friends...crap that means I've getting way too familiar with the lone star state after 5 years here. my friends in boston, where i lived before for 10 years, would turn u their noses at me now

Girl, y'all're fixin' to turn HICK, ha-ha!!!

[Niki]

You Are 100% Texan If...


1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in
an airplane crash.

2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding
date.

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce
a bill involving castration, and he didn't mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than
you can remember your mother's birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the hurricanes in their
states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined
by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other
one go first.

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all
in the same store.

16. A Jaguar is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.

17. You know that everything goes better with Ranch or Tabasco.

18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

20. You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

21. Your pick-up truck is held together with duct tape.

[Niki]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM TEXAS WHEN ...

You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ
Sauce and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans
and Cowboy Boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90
degrees outside.

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are
filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads
to go "mudding."

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel night
gown with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines
on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local
sports.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr- Busters
and fries.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the
coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage
making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer,
and Deer Season.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
your Texan and Yankee friends.

[Niki]

Texas Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that
his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty
pounds.

"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized
him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh
now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty
pounds?"

The proud Texas father said, "Yup...just had him circumcised!"

[Carina]

ya all fancy-pasy yankees are just fixin' to get some laughts at our all's expense, aren't ya??? don't mess with texas or i'm gonna go get me one of my rifles, get in my pick up and come after you all. yes, sirry bob, i sure will

[Алхимик]

36 Things You Will Never Hear
a Texan Say...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...
it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits
and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or
broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that
we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football
team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the
side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too
long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate.

[Carina]

but I AM a vegeterian

[Alex_L]

but I AM a vegeterian

You are not a Texan !

[Olegus]

but I AM a vegeterian

You gonna fixin' it or else!

[Carina]

but I AM a vegeterian

You gonna fixin' it or else!

but I don't want no fried pork ribs!!! ain't got no craving for them, like you all

[Carina]

In an effort to better understand the causes of the fatal car accidents and improve the safety of its products, General Motors recently installed hidden tape recorders in all their new cars and trucks to find out exactly what takes place right before the fatal car crush.

The study of the results showed an interesting statistical anomaly:

in 99% of the cases the last words of the driver of the car involved in a fatal accident where: "oh sh*t!!!" with one notable exception:
in the state of Texas, in 100% of the cases, the drivers' last words were:"hold my beer and watch me do this"

[cityzen]

http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor328.htm

Redneck Census Form

Last name: ___________________

(Check appropriate box)

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Number of road kills presently in your freezer?

[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

[Hoff]

Для нас, жителей штата Maple Leaf это всё звучит как-то...
Не очень догоняемо

[Carina]

5 лет назад, когда я жила в boston, ma для меня бы ето тоже или не имело смысла или бы я не поверила. приежаите к нам в техас или просто или в какои-то из штатов deep south в гости, и уверяю вас, через короткии срок ети шутки вы будете понимать с полуслова например я и мои муж, Biily-Rae вместе с нашеи обшеи мамои и ее папои/дядеи прости обожаем попивая miller light за рулем нашeго семеиного 1972 chevy pick up обмениватса шутками по пути на охоты за оппосумами

с уважением,

Carina Spektor-Foxworthy

[Алхимик]

You gonna fixin' it or else!

Я боюсь, что вы неправильно понимаете значение слова fixin'.

[Flash-04]

Для нас, жителей штата Maple Leaf это всё звучит как-то...
Не очень догоняемо

ну почему же, анкета мне очень понравилась

[Olegus]

You gonna fixin' it or else!

Я боюсь, что вы неправильно понимаете значение слова fixin'.

Да,наверное.Надо в Техас сьездить, попрактиковаться в языках.
Fixing можно сандвич, правильно?

[Carina]

You gonna fixin' it or else!

Я боюсь, что вы неправильно понимаете значение слова fixin'.

Да,наверное.Надо в Техас сьездить, попрактиковаться в языках.
Fixing можно сандвич, правильно?

да, но не fixing a fixin'. we don't use no fancy ings' like you all yankee snobs

[Алхимик]

Fixing можно сандвич, правильно?

Можно, но там намёк на ещё одно, наверное чисто техасское значение.

[Olegus]

Fixing можно сандвич, правильно?

Можно, но там намёк на ещё одно, наверное чисто техасское значение.

I'm fixin' to start my Texas language classes right now.