Помогите подкоректировать один обзац в Personal Statement

[Lepestok]

Поступаю на программу Risk Management , хотелось бы услышать ваше мнение ..и конечно же про мои ошибкии неточности




It has been always a tradeoff between risk and return. Today’s world economic crisis clearly showed that even big financial institutions failed to understand the risks. My plans to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interesting in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} , I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the map of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with an open and creative mind. After receiving my MS in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.


спасибо

[Одинаковый]

My plans ARE to ....Or I am planning to ..
I am interested , not interesting

Map and future sentence - not sure what that means
Approaching studies with creative mind? Not sure such an expression exist.

[Lepestok]

My plans ARE to ....Or I am planning to ..
I am interested , not interesting

Map and future sentence - not sure what that means
Approaching studies with creative mind? Not sure such an expression exist.

Одинаковый, спасибо огромное...
заменил по вашему совету две части...
вот что получилось:

It has been always a tradeoff between risk and return. Today’s world economic crisis clearly showed that even big financial institutions failed to understand the risks. My plans are to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} , I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the map of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with an open and creative mind. After receiving my MS in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.


Map and future sentence== equal my future plans. But instead of saying it again, i used this expression.
Approaching studies with open creative mind?? what would you recommend to write instead of?
thanks again!

[Одинаковый]

My plans ARE to ....Or I am planning to ..
I am interested , not interesting

Map and future sentence - not sure what that means
Approaching studies with creative mind? Not sure such an expression exist.

Одинаковый, спасибо огромное...
заменил по вашему совету две части...
вот что получилось:

It has been always a tradeoff between risk and return. Today’s world economic crisis clearly showed that even big financial institutions failed to understand the risks. My plans are to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} , I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the map of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with an open and creative mind. After receiving my MS in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.


Map and future sentence== equal my future plans. But instead of saying it again, i used this expression.
Approaching studies with open creative mind?? what would you recommend to write instead of?
thanks again!

It has always been
risk and reward
crisis shows (it is still going on)
major financial institutions
entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills - all the worlds should be of the same kind (adjectives or whatever they are. Research is a noun. Should be reseachical or something of that kind.
Still don't like map. Use blueprint instead.
It is not up to you to decide if you have a creative mind. But who knows, maybe it is OK to boast. I don't even know what to put there. Try google. I don't even like 'open mind" since you imply that you don't agree with the current risk management and doing them a favor by learning it with open mind. Aren't you supposed to learn what they teach you? In this case there is no need for open mind.

Are you saying you want to take risk management to the next level comparing to the level financial institutions use? 5% of Noble prize is mine.

Take my suggestions with a grain of salt since my english is far from perfect and I make mistakes myself.

[MicroX]

It has been always a tradeoff between risk and return. Today’s world economic crisis clearly showed that even big financial institutions failed to understand the risks. My plans are to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} , I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the map of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with an open and creative mind. After receiving my MS in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.


Map and future sentence== equal my future plans. But instead of saying it again, i used this expression.
Approaching studies with open creative mind?? what would you recommend to write instead of?
thanks again!

It has been always -> It has always been
showed -> has shown
My plans are -> My plan is
This is the map -> This is the roadmap
I will approach my graduate studies with an open and creative mind - вообще, зачем? Вроде, как это подразумевается само-собой
After receiving my MS -> After receiving my Master degree

[Lepestok]

Одинаковый and MicroX thanks a lot!!

Here is what I have :



It has always been a tradeoff between risk and reward. Today’s world economic crisis clearly has shown that even major financial institutions failed to understand the risks.My plan is to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} ,I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the blueprint of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with ????. After receiving my Master degree in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.



Одинаковый, not sure if researchical exists? thank for Major financial institutions.
MicroX, MS sounded very silly ..thank


What would you guys recommend to use here:
I will approach my graduate studies with XXX??

[MicroX]

Одинаковый and MicroX thanks a lot!!

Here is what I have :



It has always been a tradeoff between risk and reward. Today’s world economic crisis clearly has shown that even major financial institutions failed to understand the risks.My plan is to take the study of risk management to the next level. I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk. During my graduate studies at {where I am applying} ,I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. This is the blueprint of my future. I will approach my graduate studies with ????. After receiving my Master degree in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst.



Одинаковый, not sure if researchical exists? thank for Major financial institutions.
MicroX, MS sounded very silly ..thank


What would you guys recommend to use here:
I will approach my graduate studies with XXX??

After receiving my Master degree -> Master's degree ... sorry

Here is my take on this excerpt:
It (what is "it"? If you have not explained this to the reader a priori, perhaps you could substitute with "there" or "In capitalistic ventures there has...") has always been a trade off between risk and reward. Today’s world economic crisis clearly has shown that even major financial institutions failed to understand the risks. (Put in some examples of risk and what management of that risk means.) My plan is to take the study of risk management to the next level. (How are you planning to take it to the next level? How are you going to contribute to the university's department?) I am interested in learning, testing and improving new strategies of measuring risk.(What kind of strategies?) During my graduate studies at {where I am applying}, I want to expand my entrepreneurial, research, and analytical skills. I plan to succeed academically while building the foundation for my career. (How do you plan to succeed?) This is the blueprint of my future. I approach my graduate studies with (try saying something like: ...with a desire for knowledge and ... something about how you will succeed because of the passion you have for your choice of study). After receiving my Master’s degree in Risk Management I plan to become a Chartered Financial Analyst. (elaborate on this more.) I would suggest making this much more detailed. You want to portray yourself as a person who not only knows what he wants, but also as a person who can benefit from the university, and who will benefit the university. After you are finished, have a professor or two look over it and take their suggestions into consideration... because when you apply to graduate school, you are not trying to get the university to think you are a good student you are trying to get a professor to invite you to study there. Make yourself sound as interesting and unique as possible! And make sure you fit what the university wants.

[Lepestok]

Ребята, всем спасибо!! о результатах сообщу , если кому интересно !!