Извиняюсь на английском, но уж очень понравилось.
Subject: New Car
A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive
around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and
plops
down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer
enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the
radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA.
She fiddles with this button, that gizmo ... jiggles these and those,
but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the
salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the
onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.
He demonstrates: "Classical," he says, and "click" The car fills with
the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks
tune comes on.
"Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol'
Dixie down.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much
attention to the road.
Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams. "click"
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States
Прикол в том, что я работаю в группе AutoPC. Это именно тот самый компьютер, который позволяет управлять этими вещами голосом. [img:8bc81c4940]http://www.privet.com/ubb/smile.gif[/img:8bc81c4940]
Для любопытных:
www.autopc.com
------------------
[b:8bc81c4940]Привет.[/b:8bc81c4940]
Шутка о моей работе
Moderator: Sw_Lem
-
Privet
- Администратор
- Posts: 17180
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Redmond, WA
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
И я присоединюсь. Нашел несколько вещей, но они тоже на английском и переводу не подлежат. Те, у кого нет проблем с языком, смейтесь, остальным - лишний стимул для изучения, поскольку вещи потрясающие. Итак, некоторые курьезы с английским языком в неанглоязычных странах и не только.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome
to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
Дальше, если кому понравится, будет больше.
С улыбкой,
Игорь
------------------
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome
to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are
buried daily except Thursday.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
Дальше, если кому понравится, будет больше.
С улыбкой,
Игорь
------------------
-
6
- Уже с Приветом
- Posts: 273
- Joined: 18 May 1999 09:01
- Location: US
Шутка о моей работе
Let me add my 5 cents - these are from real Annex marketing report, used there as examples of bad translation. Since I work in marketing it can distantly qualify as a joke about my job [img:f86cec0f74]http://www.privet.com/ubb/smile.gif[/img:f86cec0f74]
A Romanian tailor has a sign, posted for overseas customers: 'Drop your trousers here for best results. Ladies may have a fit upstairs'
An Italian gynecologist advertised his practice as: 'A specialist in women and other diseases'
A sign in one of EE hotels: 'Don't enter a woman if dressed as a man'
6
A Romanian tailor has a sign, posted for overseas customers: 'Drop your trousers here for best results. Ladies may have a fit upstairs'
An Italian gynecologist advertised his practice as: 'A specialist in women and other diseases'
A sign in one of EE hotels: 'Don't enter a woman if dressed as a man'
6
-
esloutsky
- Новичок
- Posts: 96
- Joined: 22 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Dallas, Texas -->Almaty, Kazakstan
Шутка о моей работе
Мой друг из Парижа прислал мне это: Извиняюсь что совсем off-topic, по английски, но по-моему это просто класс - а где еще запостить- не знаю.
Fwd: COWS AND GOVERNMENT (Societies and their models)
FEUDALISM:You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM:You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share themilk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM:You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:You have two cows.The government takes both and shoots you.
Mexican DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows.The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPUREAN DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in anapartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cowfutures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president.
The cow sues you for breach of contract.
Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accountingfor
the missing cows.
CAPITALISM:You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milkrights
of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "fengshui".
TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. You are
torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment
center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health
plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer
shur, it's awsome, man.
SURREALISM:You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: you have two cows
the government privatizes them for five kopecks, but the difference between consideration paid and fair value goes to president and PM bank account in Cyprus, so why worry, everything has been paid ?
the rest of the herd of cows is managed by an offshore company in Jersey which is officially linked to the Central Bank, but who cares. the climate is healthy there ?
the grass to feed the cows is imported under tolling scheme and the provider of the grass is compensated in kefir at the rate : one kg of grass is worth one ton of kefir or 800 kg of bio kefir.
by the way the cow has not been fed any grass in 8 months, but it continues to produce milk. Some of the cows come to eat the grass in front of the White House, others try to find some on Red Square near the Mausoleum. The smartest cows manage to escape to another ranch.
[This message has been edited by esloutsky (edited 14-06-1999).]
Fwd: COWS AND GOVERNMENT (Societies and their models)
FEUDALISM:You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM:You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share themilk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM:You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:You have two cows.The government takes both and shoots you.
Mexican DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows.The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPUREAN DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in anapartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cowfutures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president.
The cow sues you for breach of contract.
Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accountingfor
the missing cows.
CAPITALISM:You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milkrights
of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "fengshui".
TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. You are
torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment
center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health
plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer
shur, it's awsome, man.
SURREALISM:You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: you have two cows
the government privatizes them for five kopecks, but the difference between consideration paid and fair value goes to president and PM bank account in Cyprus, so why worry, everything has been paid ?
the rest of the herd of cows is managed by an offshore company in Jersey which is officially linked to the Central Bank, but who cares. the climate is healthy there ?
the grass to feed the cows is imported under tolling scheme and the provider of the grass is compensated in kefir at the rate : one kg of grass is worth one ton of kefir or 800 kg of bio kefir.
by the way the cow has not been fed any grass in 8 months, but it continues to produce milk. Some of the cows come to eat the grass in front of the White House, others try to find some on Red Square near the Mausoleum. The smartest cows manage to escape to another ranch.
[This message has been edited by esloutsky (edited 14-06-1999).]
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
The story goes that a newly arrived Soviet Jew was greeted by a neighbor in America with a
friendly "Shalom aleichem!." He enthusiastically responded, "Voistinu voskrese!" ("Truly He is
risen!" the Russian Orthodox reply to the phrase "Khristos voskrese!" (Christ is risen!), at
Paskha (Orthodox Easter).
Braniff Airlines translated their slogan which bragged about their upholstery: "Fly in leather." It
was mistranslated into Spanish by a non-native speaker as "Fly naked."
A CEO for a fast-food chicken chain stated in English: "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken." A non-native Spanish speaker translated this statement as: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Coor's slogan "Turn it loose" was mistranslated into Spanish as "Suffer from diarrhea."
When Vicks first introduced their cough drops in Germany, they neglected to do a name
evaluation which would have uncoverd the fact that the German "v" is pronounced "f" thereby
making Vicks the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Clairol hair products attempted to introduc their "Mist Stick" curling iron in Germany only to
discover that "mist" is slang for "manure." Not many customers were interested in buying a
manure stick.
The sign on the mini-bar of a Paris hotel encourages guests: "Help yourself off the refrigerator."
A sign posted at what used to be a German Caf? in Berkeley read: "This rest room is for use of
our only customer." No wonder they went out of business.
A sign advises guests at an Acapulco Hotel: "All the facilities in this room are made for a
comfortable stay in the hotel. In case of lost objects or bad use of the installations, the maid
should be affected."
A Risk Evaluation Questionnaire from the California State Compensation Insurance Fund was
partially filled out in their office prior to sending it to us to be signed. The detailed description of
our business included: "Translation Services Bureau, translate and interrupting any language."
Before the fall of the iron curtain, a Soviet weekly advertised to tourists: "A Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past
two years." The article also told readers about another popular tourist attraction: "You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and
writers are buried daily except Thursday."
On the back of a Moscow hotel room door: "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are
welcome to it."
For some unknown reason, a Chinese gentleman was employed to translate the instructions for
a push-button radio from German into English: "Very close to translamissing station you may
find useful to put the high low sensistivity to low."
A Hungarian doctor writes on soccer injuries: "The fixation of a serious arterial bleeding
belongs between the most important and most urgent treatments during the first aid."
A professor at a German University opted to translate his own thesis which began: "Philosophy
of science can be done in several manners..."
John F. Kennedy's famous Berlin Wall speech was hailed as a masterpiece. However, those
with even an elementary knowledge of German had to laugh heartily when our president
reached the climax of the speech by stating: "Ich bin ein Berliner." Instead of dropping the
indefinite article to say that he was a Berliner, he announced to all that he was in fact a jelly
doughnut.
------------------
friendly "Shalom aleichem!." He enthusiastically responded, "Voistinu voskrese!" ("Truly He is
risen!" the Russian Orthodox reply to the phrase "Khristos voskrese!" (Christ is risen!), at
Paskha (Orthodox Easter).
Braniff Airlines translated their slogan which bragged about their upholstery: "Fly in leather." It
was mistranslated into Spanish by a non-native speaker as "Fly naked."
A CEO for a fast-food chicken chain stated in English: "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken." A non-native Spanish speaker translated this statement as: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Coor's slogan "Turn it loose" was mistranslated into Spanish as "Suffer from diarrhea."
When Vicks first introduced their cough drops in Germany, they neglected to do a name
evaluation which would have uncoverd the fact that the German "v" is pronounced "f" thereby
making Vicks the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Clairol hair products attempted to introduc their "Mist Stick" curling iron in Germany only to
discover that "mist" is slang for "manure." Not many customers were interested in buying a
manure stick.
The sign on the mini-bar of a Paris hotel encourages guests: "Help yourself off the refrigerator."
A sign posted at what used to be a German Caf? in Berkeley read: "This rest room is for use of
our only customer." No wonder they went out of business.
A sign advises guests at an Acapulco Hotel: "All the facilities in this room are made for a
comfortable stay in the hotel. In case of lost objects or bad use of the installations, the maid
should be affected."
A Risk Evaluation Questionnaire from the California State Compensation Insurance Fund was
partially filled out in their office prior to sending it to us to be signed. The detailed description of
our business included: "Translation Services Bureau, translate and interrupting any language."
Before the fall of the iron curtain, a Soviet weekly advertised to tourists: "A Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past
two years." The article also told readers about another popular tourist attraction: "You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and
writers are buried daily except Thursday."
On the back of a Moscow hotel room door: "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are
welcome to it."
For some unknown reason, a Chinese gentleman was employed to translate the instructions for
a push-button radio from German into English: "Very close to translamissing station you may
find useful to put the high low sensistivity to low."
A Hungarian doctor writes on soccer injuries: "The fixation of a serious arterial bleeding
belongs between the most important and most urgent treatments during the first aid."
A professor at a German University opted to translate his own thesis which began: "Philosophy
of science can be done in several manners..."
John F. Kennedy's famous Berlin Wall speech was hailed as a masterpiece. However, those
with even an elementary knowledge of German had to laugh heartily when our president
reached the climax of the speech by stating: "Ich bin ein Berliner." Instead of dropping the
indefinite article to say that he was a Berliner, he announced to all that he was in fact a jelly
doughnut.
------------------
-
Nataly
- Уже с Приветом
- Posts: 1844
- Joined: 09 Feb 1999 10:01
- Location: Russsia--->Norway--->Sunnyvale, CA, USA
Шутка о моей работе
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
------------------------------------------------------------
This memo was sent soon after the letter of recommendation:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every
second line (1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ...) for my true assessment of
him.
------------------
Nataly
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
------------------------------------------------------------
This memo was sent soon after the letter of recommendation:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every
second line (1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ...) for my true assessment of
him.
------------------
Nataly
-
esloutsky
- Новичок
- Posts: 96
- Joined: 22 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Dallas, Texas -->Almaty, Kazakstan
Шутка о моей работе
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -- until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat
out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from
gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
Ed is stunned!
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts,and
they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave. There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a
swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows
excitedly,
"I can check my e-mail from here..?"
***************
cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -- until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat
out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from
gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
Ed is stunned!
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts,and
they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave. There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a
swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows
excitedly,
"I can check my e-mail from here..?"
***************
-
esloutsky
- Новичок
- Posts: 96
- Joined: 22 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Dallas, Texas -->Almaty, Kazakstan
Шутка о моей работе
Не могу удержаться не запостить. Уж очень замечательно:
QUESTION:
>> Subject: Tech support
>>
>> Dear Tech support
>>
>> Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
>> program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and
>> valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
>> product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>> programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all
>> other system activity.
>>
>> Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
>> crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife1.0
>> from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but
>> uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
>>
>> - Jonathan Powell
>>
>>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------ANSW
ER:
-
>> ---------------
>> Dear Jonathan Powell-
>>
>> This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
>> primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife
>> 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
>> program.
>>
>> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
>> everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the
>> program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife1.0 can
>> be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive.
>> Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system
>> resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
>> designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife
>> 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in
your
>> manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run
>> Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually
>> Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can
>> lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to
download
>> similar products such as Fling and NightStand. Often their systems have
>> become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal
>> with the situation.
>>
>> Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire
>> section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
>> responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best
course
>> of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as
>> lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for
>> all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
>> high maintenance.
>>
>> Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
>> -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
>> -Frequently use Communicator 5.0
>>
>> -Tech Support
QUESTION:
>> Subject: Tech support
>>
>> Dear Tech support
>>
>> Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
>> program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and
>> valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
>> product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>> programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all
>> other system activity.
>>
>> Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
>> crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife1.0
>> from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but
>> uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
>>
>> - Jonathan Powell
>>
>>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------ANSW
ER:
-
>> ---------------
>> Dear Jonathan Powell-
>>
>> This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
>> primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife
>> 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
>> program.
>>
>> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
>> everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the
>> program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife1.0 can
>> be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive.
>> Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system
>> resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
>> designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife
>> 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in
your
>> manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run
>> Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually
>> Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can
>> lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to
download
>> similar products such as Fling and NightStand. Often their systems have
>> become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal
>> with the situation.
>>
>> Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire
>> section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
>> responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best
course
>> of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as
>> lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for
>> all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
>> high maintenance.
>>
>> Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
>> -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
>> -Frequently use Communicator 5.0
>>
>> -Tech Support
-
Kuzya
- Уже с Приветом
- Posts: 3900
- Joined: 22 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: москалЫха
Шутка о моей работе
Candidate for a
Pullet Surprise
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker’s
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we’re lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault’s with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word’s fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw’s are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
- Jerrold H. Zar
The author is a professor at Northern Illinois University; by his count127 of the 255 words of the poem are incorrect, although all words are correctly spelled and would survive a spellchecker. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Pullet Surprise
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker’s
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we’re lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault’s with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word’s fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw’s are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
- Jerrold H. Zar
The author is a professor at Northern Illinois University; by his count127 of the 255 words of the poem are incorrect, although all words are correctly spelled and would survive a spellchecker. Reprinted by permission of the author.
-
Max
- Уже с Приветом
- Posts: 359
- Joined: 20 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Seattle, Washington, USA
Шутка о моей работе
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? Imma justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? Imma justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."
-
esloutsky
- Новичок
- Posts: 96
- Joined: 22 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Dallas, Texas -->Almaty, Kazakstan
Шутка о моей работе
Это еще можно назвать анекдотом про чукчей - очень похоже акцент [img:87776bd562]http://www.privet.com/ubb/smile.gif[/img:87776bd562]
-
chaika
- Уже с Приветом
- Posts: 476
- Joined: 05 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: chapel hill, north carolina usa
Шутка о моей работе
Нa этом сaйте я чaсто читaю зaмечaния о плохом состоянии aмерикaнской школьной системы, особенно в облaсти мaтемaтики. Объяснение рaзвития нaшей теории преподaвaния мaтемaтики нaходится в следующем aнекдоте.
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is
down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks
vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is
down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks
vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
So you think you're computer-illiterate?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by
Jim Carlton --
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
------------------
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by
Jim Carlton --
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
------------------
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds
one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says
the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then
gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does,
the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to
put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree
before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
------------------
one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says
the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then
gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does,
the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to
put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree
before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
------------------
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF THESE (ACTUAL!) SIGNS:
Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS
DO-IT-YOURSELF.
In a laundry, on each washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side
door)
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,
OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE
THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In a hotel during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on
the door -- the bell doesn't work)
In an office building washroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW.
------------------
Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS
DO-IT-YOURSELF.
In a laundry, on each washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side
door)
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,
OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE
THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In a hotel during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on
the door -- the bell doesn't work)
In an office building washroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW.
------------------
-
igor
- Новичок
- Posts: 64
- Joined: 03 Jan 1999 10:01
- Location: Chicago
Шутка о моей работе
WEIRD LOCAL USA SEX LAWS
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If
his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed
with you--or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home
after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their
car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating
while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window.
Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait
approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes
sense... -psl]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the
couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No
couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these
clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or
bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female
counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important
ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90
pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according
to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully
stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin-psl]
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous,
unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat
freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called
a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two
feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to
normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are
considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered
sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered
illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against
having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
------------------
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If
his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed
with you--or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home
after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their
car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating
while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window.
Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait
approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes
sense... -psl]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the
couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No
couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these
clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or
bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female
counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important
ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90
pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according
to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully
stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin-psl]
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous,
unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat
freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called
a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two
feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to
normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are
considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered
sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered
illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against
having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
------------------