Too good not to share №2

[Lite]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm as
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
__________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
__________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan
__________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
__________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
__________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

[Lite]

IRISHA74, Вы просили еще, вот - еще, из близкой области.

[IRISHA74]

Спасибо!
Я уже вчера мужу послала один анекдот от сюда, только день сменила на его ДР, который весьма скоро.
Пришёлся кстати.

[Lite]

Спасибо!
Я уже вчера мужу послала один анекдот от сюда, только день сменила на его ДР, который весьма скоро.
Пришёлся кстати.

Как подарок ко дню рождения? А он в суде работает?

[IRISHA74]

почему в суде?
Скорей наоборот, он весьма далёк от догадок "кто виноват" в отличае от меня

А с подарком ещё прикольней получилось. Запрятала его и забыла не только куда положила, но и что вообще купила, и уже подумывала что бы такое ему преподнести на ДР...
А тут перед сменой паласа начали все торбочки вытаскивать и он нашёл! Был рад... т.с. досрочно...

[Slava V]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/dashing/1030443.html

[Lite]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/dashing/1030443.html

Симпатичный мишка, но к чему он тут?

[BOBAH]

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reasons.

The best submissions:

Detective Novel -- female (f)., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.

Swiss Army Knife -- male (m)., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.

Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.

Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part.

Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on.

Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload.

Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained?

Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

[Lite]

[Иоп]

"Критик" заставил меня безумно ржать!

[IronOrchid]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*cking funeral director would be my guess."